I Made It Through 2020
And I never could have done it alone.
*Trigger warning for suicidal ideation
November of 2020 was the first time in my life I have ever experienced suicidal thoughts. Not because I wanted to die. Not because I was giving up on living, but because it felt like the only thing I hadn’t tried to escape my PTSD.
Because I have a support system and I chose to lean on it, I am alive today. I called my closest friends and asked them to spend the night with me during a pandemic because I was afraid of what I might do to myself while everyone else was sleeping. I told them about what I saw when I closed my eyes and how terrified I was that it might become my reality. I talked to my doctor about the benefits and drawbacks of mental health medication. I called my insurance provider and asked for a psychiatric evaluation.
I would like to think I did everything right, and yet, it took over two months to get an appointment with an in-network psychiatrist. Ten weeks to get help for someone teetering on the precipice of self-harm.
That woke me up.
I am not the first to say that my mental health took a hit last year. I rediscovered lows in 2020 that haven’t troubled me in 10 years, mostly due to constant isolation, financial fear, grief, uncertainty, and the stress of…
